Craigslist Dating: On Again, Off Again, and then AGAIN…

Tue, 31. Mar 20


When?

Date: Tuesday, 31. March 2020

Time: 12 o'clock


Where?

Location: The Astorian United States

Street: 1301 FANNIN

Zip and city: Boston


Info

Strange (but very easily manslated) behavior from Teresa's man, who is there, he's gone, he's back, he's gone. This guy just can't sit still. (Obviously he's just not lazy enough, which is a character flaw of which I am decidedly unguilty.) After their last breakup, Teresa wants to know what in the holy hell is going on around here. No worries, Teresa. I think we've got this one dialed in.



Craigslist Dating

Teresa writes:

Okay... I have been friends with this guy from Craigslist for about 4 years. Soon into the friendship, he and I started seeing one~another as a couple. This lasted about 6 months, and all of a sudden with no explanation he up & went back to his former girlfriend. He Phoned me about 2 months later, and I finally got the chance to ask him what the hell happened.

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Just FYI, this is usually not a question you need to ask. When someone dumps you, what "happens" is never a big surprise. When someone dumps you, it always means some version of the fact that they like NOT being with you more than being with you. That's the only reason for anyone to do that. Beyond that, honestly, how does it help you to know?

He explained to me that he loved his children to much to split up.

Yeah...maybe that was why. But I betcha anything it wasn't.

Okay, so I dealt with that. 2 years later, He contacts me again. Ironically he & his girlfriend had split up.

Yeah, in a "black fly in your Chardonnay" sort of way, sure.

Told me how much he had missed me & that he still loved me. That there wasn't a day that didn't go by that he didn't think about me or if he made the right decision or not. He seemed really sincere..so I thought what the hell? I'd give him a second chance. We started dating again, for 5 months everything was bliss. we didn't argue once, we shared a lot of the same interest and became inseparable. He cried many times, because of hurting me in the past. He would make comments like "I wish you didn't have your tubes tied, I would love to make a baby with you." or "We will be married soon."

Boy oh boy, am I sensing another left turn ahead...

Then again, one day, up and gone. He did phone me a few days later, wanting to come explain things to me and I guess thats what I've had a hard time understanding what he is really meaning inside. He said that he wasn't in a place to be responsible for someone else. He loved me, but he don't want that on his shoulders. The feeling he has inside for me is too real and unexplainable and it scares him.

So what exactly does this mean????

Dear Teresa,

Well, here's what I'm seeing. The thing about the feeling he has inside for you being too real and unexplainable and it scares him? This line stinks to high heaven of the leave-behind of your average bull. The reason I say that is, he's giving you one of those reasons that Craigslist women seem to want to believe. In my LIFETIME, I have never, EVER heard a Craigslist man express anything like this. Ever. Not once.

However, I have known men to say this in order to soften the blow of a break up. Honestly, what this sort of thing usually really means is, "Please don't hate me, please don't blame me, please don't say I'm a jerk."

WE HAVE A RUNNER

Sounds to me like what you've got here is a high quality specimen of the species Homo ConfusedButNeedy. He's not sure what we wants, he's not sure WHO he wants. But he's pretty sure he better be with some damn body. And you are his close friend, obviously you are attractive, obviously you find HIM attractive.

So, when he's feeling insecure (after a breakup, for example, hmmm?) he is just looking for somebody. And you of course come to mind. I'm not saying he doesn't like you. But all the stuff about "we will be married soon" and wanting to make a baby with you — this stuff seems like he's trying to convince himself. He's put himself in a crazy, intense position with you, and he's going with it whole hog.

But see, it's not real. It doesn't come from a settled place in him — it's coming from a "nervous about being alone" place. So once he realizes that he's really IN this thing, and not just keeping himself busy, he bolts.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NEXT TIME? (And there will be a next time.)

Personally, I wouldn't bother with this guy anymore. I mean, just don't feed into it for one more second. The next time he calls and tells you that he made a big mistake, I'd say, "No, you know, you really didn't. You were right then. We're not the right people. If we were, we'd be together already. Good luck though — I hope you find what you're looking for, but it's not going to be me."

What this Craigslist guy wants is to be some woman's super special someone. That's why he said all the stuff he thinks a woman might want to hear when together (marriage, babies, crying for how badly he hurt you before) and that's why he said all the stuff a woman might want to hear when he dumped you (I loved my kids too much, I loved YOU too much.) But never once has he said the real truth. He likes you, but he's in no position to be in love with anyone. He needs to kick the "being what SHE wants" addiction before he's going to be any good to anyone.

Good luck, Teresa. As confusing as this situation seems to be, it's really not. He just thinks he wants a relationship. What he really wants is distraction from something. Do NOT be that distraction.

What's your take, ladies? What's up with the on again/off again thing with him?


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